The Manners Of Being A Host Or A Guest
1) Accepting And Answering An Invitation
2) It Is Compulsory To Honor One’s Guest
3) Welcome Your Guest With A Warm, Genial Greeting
4) What Should A Guest Say And Do When Another Person — Who, Is Not An Invitee — Accompanies Him To The Place Of Invitation?
5) Burdening Yourself For Your Guest
6) Enter Only After Having Obtained Permission And [In General] Leave After The Meal Is Over
7) Serving In Order Of Age – From Oldest To Youngest; And Serving From Right To Left
8) When The Meal Is Over, The Guest Should Supplicate For His Host
9) When Your Guest Wants To Leave, It Is Recommended For You To Accompany Him To The Door Of Your House

The Etiquettes Of The Host And The Guest

Allah (Swt) said: “Has the story reached you, of the honored guests [three angels; Jibreel (Gabriel) along with another two] of Ibraaheem (Abraham)? When they came in to him, and said, ‘Salam (peace be upon you)! He answered, ‘Salam (peace be upon you), and said: “You are a people unknown to me.” Then he turned to his household, so brought out a roasted calf [as the property of Ibraheem (Abraham) was mainly cows], and placed it before them, (saying): “Will you not eat?” (Qur’an 51:24-27)

The Prophet (Pbuh) said, “Whosoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, then let him not harm his neighbor. Whosoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, then let him honor his guest. And whosoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, then let him speak well or remain silent. “[Bukhaaree, 6018]

The Manners Of Being A Host Or A Guest

1) Accepting And Answering An Invitation

In many authentic Ahadeeth, it is made clear that it is compulsory to answer and accept an invitation. For example, the Prophet (Pbuh) said, “The Muslim has five rights upon [another] Muslim: answering ‘As-Salaam,’ visiting the sick, following funeral [processions], answering an invitation, and saying ‘Yarhamukallah (may Allah have mercy upon you)’ to one who sneezes. “[Bukhaaree, 1240] And in another Hadeeth, he (Pbuh) said, “Answer this invitation when you are invited.” [Bukhaaree, 5179] At the end of this narration, it is mentioned that, “Abdullah [Ibn ‘Umar] (R.A) would go to a place of invitation for a wedding and for other than a wedding, [even] while he would be fasting.”

The opinion of the majority of scholars is that it is recommended to accept all invitations, with the exception of a marriage banquet, which is compulsory for the invitee to accept. To prove that accepting an invitation for a marriage banquet is compulsory, they cite this Hadeeth: “The worst of food is the food of a marriage banquet: the rich are invited to it and the poor are forsaken. And whoever leaves an invitation (i.e., doesn’t accept it) has indeed disobeyed Allah and His Messenger (Pbuh)” [Bukhaaree, 5177]

And the following wording is related in some narrations from Muslim and others: “Those who come to it are prevented from it, and those who are invited to it refuse to come.” Nonetheless, some scholars have listed conditions which must be fulfilled for a Muslim to attend any gathering to which he is invited; Shaikh Muhammad Ibn Saaleh Al-‘Uthaimeen listed them as follows:

1) When it is compulsory or Sunnah for Muslims to cut off all ties with a person, and when that person invites you, you shouldn’t accept his invitation.

2) The place of invitation must not contain any evil in it. If there is evil – such as music being played – and if you are able to remove the evil (for example, you have the authority to turn the tape player off), then you must attend the gathering, for two reasons: first, to answer the invitation, and second, to remove the evil. But if you are not able to remove the evil, then it becomes forbidden for you to attend.

3) The inviter should be Muslim; otherwise, it is not compulsory to accept his invitation. This is because the Prophet (Pbuh) said, “The rights of a Muslim upon another Muslim are six…” And among those rights, He (Pbuh) mentioned, “When he invites you, then answer him (i.e., accept his invitation).”

4) The inviter must not derive his income from unlawful sources, for if you accept his invitation, that means you will eat unlawfully acquired food, which is forbidden. Other scholars, however, maintain that the sin of unlawfully derived wealth is upon the one who acquired that wealth, and not on the one who takes it from him through lawful means. Of course, this view does not apply to things that are Haram in themselves, such as alcohol, stolen items, and so on. And this latter view is well reasoned.

5) Answering an invitation does not involve you forsaking another duty that is compulsory or that is more important than the invitation. If answering an invitation involves any of that, it becomes forbidden upon you to answer it.

6) Answering an invitation must not involve any harm upon you as the invitee; this occurs, for example, when answering an invitation requires you to travel and leave behind family members that are in need of your presence among them.

7) The inviter knowingly and specifically invites you; otherwise, if the inviter issues a general invitation for everyone in a community, for instance, then you do not have to answer his invitation.

Question: Do invitation cards take on the same ruling as direct, verbal invitations?

Answer: If invitation cards are sent to everyone in a community, whereby the sender does not know exactly who the cards are being sent to, then it is not compulsory to accept the invitation. If, on other hand, you are sure or almost sure that the inviter meant you specifically by the invitation – for example, you know him and he put your name on the card – then the ruling for a direct, verbal invitation applies.

Related Issue: Just because you are fasting does not mean that you are excused from having to accept an invitation; to the contrary, you must go, and though you do not necessarily have to eat, you should invoke Allah (Swt) to forgive and bless your hosts. This ruling applies for both compulsory and voluntary fasts. The Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) said, “If one of you is invited, then let him answer (i.e., attend), and if he is fasting, he should pray (the meaning of prayer here, as explained in the following narration, is to supplicate – for the hosts); and if he is not fasting, he should eat.” [Muslim, 1431]

The following is the wording of Ahmad’s narration: “And if he is fasting, then he should pray – i.e., supplicate.” [Ahmad, 1431] Abu Sa’eed Al-Khudree (R.A) said, “Food was prepared for the Prophet and when it was laid down, a man said, ‘I am fasting.’ The Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) then said, ‘Your brother invited you and troubled himself for you; eat and fast [another day] in its place if you wish.”

An-Nawawee said, “As for the one who is fasting, scholars agree that he does not have to eat [when he is invited]; and if his fast is a compulsory one, then it is forbidden for him to eat, since it is forbidden to leave off a compulsory duty. Fasting a voluntary fast, the invitee has the choice between eating and continuing with his fast. If the host takes it hard – that his guest is fasting and not eating the food he prepared – the guest should eat; otherwise, he may complete his fast. And Allah (Swt) knows best.”

2) It Is Compulsory To Honor One’s Guest

Various authentic Ahadeeth encourage a Muslim to be generous to his guest and establish without a doubt that it is compulsory for him, as a host, to honor him. ‘Uqbah Ibn ‘Aamir (R.A) said, “We said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, you did indeed send us; then, when we reached the people, they did not receive us as their guests. What, then, do you see [that we should do]?’ The Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) said, “If you arrive at the place of a people and they order for you what a guest should receive, then accept [that from them]. But if they do not do so, then take from them what a guest rightfully deserves.”[Bukhaaree, 6137]

This wording is from At-Tirmidhee’s narration: “If they refuse that you should take other than forcibly, then take.” And in another Hadeeth, the Prophet (Pbuh) said, “A guest is entertained for three days, and his Jaaizah is for a day and night (In explaining this phrase, scholars have said that a host should be extra generous on the first night, and then should give his guest, on the second and third night, what he normally has himself). And it is not permissible for a Muslim to stay with his brother (for more than three days) to the degree that he makes him sin.”

The Companions (R.A) said, “0 Messenger of Allah, and how does he make him sin?” He (Pbuh) said, “He stays with him, and he (the host) has nothing to entertain him with (so the host might end up backbiting his guest or saying bad things about him).”[Bukhaaree, 6135]

Concerning the significance and merits of entertaining guests, An-Nawawee mentioned that scholars are in agreement; he then went on to say that scholars disagree about whether it is compulsory or Sunnah to entertain guests [when they arrive from another area]. Maalik, Ash-Shaafi’ee, and Abu Haneefah – these hold that it is Sunnah and not compulsory to entertain guests; they likened Ahadeeth that discuss entertaining guests to other similar Ahadeeth, which apparently suggest the meaning of `compulsory’ but really convey a meaning of ‘less than compulsory,’ such as the Hadeeth, “Taking a shower on Friday is binding upon everyone who is past the age of puberty.” Al-Laith and Ahmad, on the other hand, are of the opinion that it is compulsory to entertain a guest for at least one day and one night. And Ahmad limited that ruling the people of the desert and of villages as opposed to city dwellers.

Related Issue: We are forbidden, as the Hadeeth indicates, to remain a guest for more than three days, so that we do not provoke the host to sin – a host can sin by having evil, prohibited suspicious about his guest or by backbiting him or by doing something similar. Al-Khattaabee said, “A guest may not stay with his host after the third day, unless the host invites him to remain; otherwise the host will feel constricted and will lose his reward.” Explaining the Prophet’s saying, “To the degree that he makes him sin,” Ibn Al-Jawzee said, “If the host does not have enough provision to entertain his guest, he will resent his presence; he may speak of him with obscene words; and he may even sin by seeking out unlawful provision in order to spend on his guest.” The exception to this rule is when the guest knows that his host does not dislike his presence or when the host requested that he stay on for a little while longer. But if the guest doubts the situation of his host – both his financial situation and how he feels about him remaining longer – then it is better for him not to remain after the third day.

3) Welcome Your Guest With A Warm, Genial Greeting

Ibn ‘Abbaas (R.A) said, “When the delegation of ‘Abdul-Qais went to the Prophet’ (Pbuh) he (Pbuh) said, “Marhaban (welcome!) to the delegation that has come without disgrace or regret…” [Bukhaaree, 6176]

Without a doubt, when you welcome your guests with kind and hospitable greetings, you are sure to infuse happiness and a feeling of welcomeness into their breasts.

4) What Should A Guest Say And Do When Another Person — Who Is Not An Invitee — Accompanies Him To The Place Of Invitation?

When this happens to you, you should say as the Prophet (Pbuh) said in the following Hadeeth. Abu Mas’ood (R.A) said, “There was a man from the Ansaar who was called Abu Shu’aib, and he had a servant that was a butcher. Abu Shu’aib said to him, ‘Prepare food for me, and I will invite the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) to be the fifth among a total of five [guests].’ He invited the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) as the fifth among the total of five guests, and when they came, a man followed them. The Prophet said, “Verily, you invited us, a total of five guests, and this man has indeed followed us. If you wish, you may give him permission [to enter]; and if you wish, you may leave him (i.e., ask him to leave).’ Abu Shu’aib said, ‘Rather, I give him permission [to enter and be my guest].”‘[Bukhaaree, 5434]

There are many lessons that we can learn from this Hadeeth, but we will restrict ourselves here to those that are related to our subject of discussion. First, when a host invites a specific group of people and when a person outside of that group accompanies them, he is not included in the general implications of the invitation. So if one intrudes upon a gathering to which he is not invited, the host has the choice of allowing him to enter or sending him away. And if the intruder enters without the permission of the host, the host may force him to leave. But if a person forces himself onto an invitee and insists upon following him even though he is not invited, the invitee should not refuse him. This ruling is taken from the Prophet’s action; the man followed the Prophet (Pbuh) who did not refuse him or order him not to follow him, for there was a chance that the host would welcome him and allow him to enter the gathering. Ibn Hajr holds this opinion, but An-Nawawee disagrees, saying that the invitee should repel and forbid one who is forcing his company upon others. However, nothing in the Hadeeth supports that view; therefore, Ibn Hajr’s view in this issue is correct.

5) Burdening Yourself For Your Guest

When hosting others, you should not go beyond reasonable limits in entertaining them. We should not overburden ourselves in entertaining our guests; and we are, in a more general sense, forbidden from resorting to exaggeration or affectation in our lives. Anas (R.A) said, “We were with ‘Umar (R.A) when he (R.A) said, ‘We were forbidden from Takaalluf (affectation and going to extravagant troubles).”‘ [Bukhaaree, 7293] We cannot really specify a limit, beyond which one is considered to have gone to extravagant I trouble in entertaining his guest. Custom is the judge in this matter; or in other words, in a given time and society, what people consider to be extravagant, is indeed extravagant; and what they don’t consider to be extravagant, isn’t extravagant. (unless, of course, when all people in a society follow extravagant ways that are contrary to the guidelines of the Shariah). In general, however, we can say that you should prepare the amount and variety of food that is sufficient for your guest, without being extravagant or miserly; and the best of matters are those that are in the middle. Jaabir (R.A) reported that he heard the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) say, “The food of one is sufficient for two; the food for two is sufficient for four; and the food of four is sufficient for eight.” [Muslim, 2059]

These days, it is as widespread as it is deemed normal for people to go to extravagant lengths in conducting marriage banquets, very often surpassing the limits of reasonableness set by the Shariah. Some people even compete, if not openly then at least in spirit, to see whose banquet boasts the greatest variety and quantity of food. Then, in social circles, people praise them for how wonderfully they hosted their banquet. All of this, no doubt, objectionable; in fact, it is not permissible to eat the food served at such banquets, for Ibn ‘Abbaas (R.A) related that the Prophet (Pbuh) forbade people from eating the food of competitors (i.e., people Who compete to serve the most extravagant banquet). [Abu Daawood, 3754] Al-Khattaabee said, “Competitors seek to outdo and beat one another, and it is disliked [in this and similar matters] because it wolves Riyaa (doing deeds so that others can see them) and stowing-off, and because such competition here falls under Allah’s general prohibition of eating wealth unjustly.”

6) Enter Only After Having Obtained Permission And [In General] Leave After The Meal Is Over

Allah (Swt) said: “0 you who believe! Enter not the prophet’s houses, except when leave is given to you for a meal, (and then) not (so early as) to wait for its preparation. But when you are invited, enter, and when you have taken your meal, disperse, without sitting for a talk” (Qur’an 33:53)

In this verse, Allah (Swt) forbade believers from entering the Prophet’s house without his permission; similarly, among themselves believers should not enter one another’s homes without permission; the prohibition, therefore, encompasses all believers.

The verse also forbade them from entering before the meal, so as to wait for the food to be cooked. In the days of ignorance (pre-Islamic times), people would go to a banquet very early and there wait for the food to be cooked. Allah (Swt) forbade them from this practice with His saying: “(And then) not (so early as) to wait for its preparation” (Qur’an 33:53)

Then Allah (Swt) clarified that, as soon as the guest has eaten, he should leave and not remain seated, hoping for conversation, because that entails harm for the host – who, in the context of the verse, was the Prophet (Pbuh). The same rule applies to all people, because when they are hosts, it is trying for them when guests I remain after they have partaken of their meal; guests, therefore, should not stay with them much longer, unless the host wants them to stay or it is customary among a people for guests to stay after the meal. Hence, if there is no hardship or annoyance involved, they can stay. Since the prohibition hinges upon a reason – annoyance and hardship – an absence of that reason means that the prohibition no longer applies.

7) Serving In Order Of Age – From Oldest To Youngest; And Serving From Right To Left

As a host, you should give special attention and care to the most aged guest. Ibn ‘Umar (R.A) related that the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) said, “I saw myself in a dream, cleaning my teeth with Siwaak. Two men were pulling at me, and one of them was older than the other. I handed the Siwaak to the younger of the two, and it was said to me, ‘To the older,’ and so I handed it to the older one.” [Muslim, 3003]

In another Hadeeth, the Prophet (Pbuh) said, ‘Whoever does not have mercy on our young ones and knows not the right[s] of our elder[s], is not from us.” [Ahmad, 22317]

And in yet another Hadeeth, the Prophet (Pbuh) said, “Verily, from the glorification of Allah is to honor the elderly Muslim; the bearer of the Qur’an, who neither exceeds the limits regarding it nor forsakes it; and the person of authority who is just.”[Abu Dawood, 4843]

All of the above-mentioned Ahadeeth show that a host should give priority to the eldest when serving food or drink. Yet the following Hadeeth seemingly indicates otherwise. Sahl Ibn Sa’ad (R.A) reported that a drink was given to the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) drank from it, and to his right was a boy, while to his left were elder men. The Prophet (Pbuh) said to the boy, “Do you give me permission to give to them?“

The boy said, “By Allah, O Messenger of Allah, as to my share from you, I prefer no one to my own self.” The Messenger of Allah then handed him the drink. [Bukhaaree, 5260] This Hadeeth, which seems to indicate that the person on one’s right has priority, regardless of age, is in apparent conflict with the aforementioned Ahadeeth, which indicate that elders have priority.

Nonetheless, there is no real conflict or contradiction. When you are drinking from a glass or bottle and something remains, you should hand it over to the person to your right, or seek his permission to do otherwise. In commenting on Sahl’s narration, Ibn ‘Abdul-Barr said, “From the manners of eating and sitting together is that a man, after he has eaten or drank, should hand over what remains to the person on his right, no matter who he is – even if he is inferior to the person on the right.” But when you are serving food and drink in the beginning – when portions are still untouched – you should give priority to the eldest person present; next in priority is the person to your right. Perhaps the harmony struck between the different Ahadeeth is further strengthened by the narration of Ibn ‘Abbaas (R.A) in which he (R.A) said, “When the Prophet (Pbuh) would provide others with drink, he (Pbuh) would say, ‘Begin with the eldest.‘”[Abu Ya’laa, 4/315] This view combines the implications of all the proofs mentioned above. And Allah at knows best.

8) When The Meal Is Over, The Guest Should Supplicate For His Host

From his Sunnah, the Prophet (Pbuh) would supplicate for his hosts after partaking of a meal served by them. Anas (R.A) reported that when the Prophet (Pbuh) went to Sa’ad Ibn ‘Ubaadah (R.A) the latter served food and oil. He (the Prophet (Pbuh)) ate and then said, “May the fasting ones break their fast in your home, and may the dutiful and pious ones eat your food, and may the Angels send prayers upon you.”[Abu Daawood, 3854]

Some scholars have ruled that this invocation is specific for the breaking of the fast meal; the majority of scholars, however, have ruled that it is equally valid for the breaking of the fast meal and for other meals.

In a long Hadeeth related by Al-Miqdaad Ibn AI-Aswad (R.A) the Prophet (Pbuh) made this supplication: “O Allah, feed him who fed me, and provide him with drink who provided me with drink.”[Muslim, 2055]

An-Nawawee said, “This Hadeeth shows that one should supplicate for one who showed him generosity, for his servant, and for anyone that does good deeds (And the invoker too is a doer of good).”

‘Abdullah Ibn Busr (R.A) related that his father (R.A) prepared food for the Prophet (Pbuh) and invited him. The Prophet (Pbuh) answered his invitation, and when he finished his meal, he (Pbuh) said, “0 Allah, forgive them, have mercy on them, and bless for them that which You have provided them.” [Muslim, 2042]

9) When Your Guest Wants To Leave, It Is Recommended For You To Accompany Him To The Door Of Your House

In doing so, you take good care of your guest; you are being friendly with him; and you are being a hospitable host. No authentic narration from the Prophet (Pbuh) establishes this practice, yet we do have narrations from our pious predecessors and „Imams. We will limit ourselves to only one here: Abu ‘Ubaid Al¬Qaasim Ibn Salaam visited Ahmad Ibn Hanbal. Abu ‘Ubaid said, ‘When I wanted to stand [and leave], he stood with me. I said, ‘Do not do so (i.e., do not trouble yourself by standing), 0 ‘Abu ‘Abdullah.’ He said, ‘Ash-Sha’bee said: From the completeness of a visit from a visitor is to walk with him until the door and to take hold of his stirrup (to help him up onto his mount) …”‘