The Manners Of Dealing With One’s Wife
1) It Is Sunnah To Marry, And One Is Encouraged In The Shariah To Marry
2) Good Companionship
3) Gentleness in Dealing With Women
4) Joking And Playing With One’s Wife
5) Being Patient With One’s Wife And Overlooking Her Faults
6) It Is From The Obligatory Duties Of A Husband To Have Sexual Relations (i.e., Intercourse) With His Wife
7) The Prohibition Of Revealing The Details Of One’s Intimate, Conjugal Relations
8) A Man Must Do Justice Between His Wives

The Manners Of Interacting With One’s Wife

Allah (Swt) said: “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable” (Qur’an 2:228)

A man asked the Prophet (Pbuh) “What right does a woman have over her husband?” He (Pbuh) said, “He should feed her when he eats and clothe her when he clothes himself (i.e., purchase clothes for her); he must not strike her face, nor must he curse her or say hurtful words to her; and he should not forsake her except in their home. ” [Ahmad, 19511]

1) It Is Sunnah To Marry, And One Is Encouraged In The Shariah To Marry

Since Allah (Swt) made it the nature of man to desire woman and of woman to desire man, the Shariah directs the energy of that desire to a lawful institution – marriage, through which people preserve their lineages and control their whims, so that they do not become like beasts – one climbing any and every member of the opposite gender. The Prophet (Pbuh) encouraged people to marry and enumerated some of its benefits in this Hadeeth: “0 group of youth: whosoever from you is able to afford the dowry (and other marriage expenses), then let him get married, for that is more chaste for his eye (i.e., it will help him to avert his gaze) and more safe for his private part (i.e., a married person is better able to protect his private part from unlawful acts, because he can vent his desires through lawful means). And whosoever is not able, then upon him is fasting, for indeed, that is Wijaa (protection from falling into error) for him. “[Ahmad, 3581]

A narration related by Anas Ibn Maalik (R.A) describes how three people reacted when they learned about the Messenger’s worship. They seemed to think little of his worship, for they went to an extreme, forbidding upon themselves matters that Allah (Swt) made permissible – one of them pledged not to marry. Reproaching them, the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) said, “You are the ones who said such and such. By Allah, I indeed have more Khasyah (greatest level of fear) of Allah than any of you, and I have more Tagwa (fear of Allah, piety, righteousness) of Allah than any of you, yet I fast and break my fast (i.e., some days I don’t fast); I pray and I sleep; and I marry women. So whosoever among you turns away from my Sunnah, then he is not from me.” [Ahmad, 13122]

In another narration from Anas Ibn Maalik (R.A) the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) said, “Made beloved to me from the world are perfume and women; and the prayer has been made the delight of my eye.” [Ahmad, 11884]

Celibacy is not from the way of the Messengers. Imam Ahmad said, “Celibacy has nothing to do with Islam. Whoever invites you to other than marriage, has invited you to other than Islam.” It is compulsory upon a person to marry if he desires to marry, if he is able to marry, and if he fears that he will otherwise succumb to temptation.

2) Good Companionship

The following verse provides the framework for how a man should treat his wife: “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable” (Qur’an 2:228)

Just as men have rights over their wives, women have rights over their husbands. To know the extent of those rights, people should refer to what is known as Al-Ma’roof, or the general customs and norms in a given society at a given time. How much a man must spend on his wife, how much clothing he has to provide for her, what kind of accommodations he must provide for her, how often he has to have intimate relations with her – all of these depend on a person’s individual situation and, as we said, on the general customs and norms in a given society at a give time – Al-Ma’roof. This is the ruling for a marriage contract that is void of conditions. If a marriage contract has conditions stipulated in it by either the husband or wife, those conditions must be followed, as long as Halal (lawful) is not made Haram (forbidden), and Haram is not made Halal.

Ibn ‘Abbaas (R.A) said, “Verily, I love to adorn myself (i.e., make myself look good) for my wife, just as I love for her to adorn herself for me, because Allah (Swt) says: “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable” (Qur’an 2:228)

Mu’aawiyah Ibn Haidah (R.A) said, “A man asked the Prophet (Pbuh) ‘What right does a woman have over her husband?’ He (Pbuh) said, ‘He should feed her when he eats and clothe her when he clothes himself (i.e., purchase clothes for her); he must not strike her face, nor must he curse her or say hurtful words to her; and he should not forsake her except in their home. “‘ [Ahmad, 19511]

Question: In routine domestic affairs – such as preparing meals, cleaning the house, etc. – does a wife have to serve her husband?

Answer: Shaikh Al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah said, “Scholars disagree: does a woman have to serve her husband to fix up the mattress, to serve food, drink, and bread, to knead dough, to give food to his servants and livestock, and so on? Some scholars have said, ‘She does not have to serve him,’ but this view is weak, weak like view in which it is held that a man does not have to have intimate relations (sexual intercourse) with his wife. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t treating her well… And it is said that – this is the correct view -she must serve him, for a husband is her chief in Allah’s Book…Among the scholars who hold this view are those who say, ‘She must serve him a little bit,’ while others among them say, ‘She must serve him according to Al-Ma’roof,’ and this latter view is correct. A woman must serve her husband according to Al-Ma’roof, which means that the standard of society based on their status applies to them. The help provided by a wife who lives in the desert is not like the help provided by a wife who is a city-dweller, and the help of a strong woman is not like the help of a weak woman (so the matter depends upon Al¬Ma’roof – upon the situation of the husband and wife, and upon the norms of the society they live in).”

3) Gentleness in Dealing With Women

The Prophet (Pbuh) ordered men to treat their womenfolk with kindness and gentleness. Women are innately weak, and so they are need of kind and compassionate treatment, and not of the rough behavior that is common among men when they deal with one another. Abu Hurairah (Pbuh) reported that the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) said, “(Follow my command): Treat women well and with kindness, for woman was created from [the] rib, and the most crooked part of a rib is its upper part. And if you were to go to straighten it, you would break it; and if you were to leave it, it would remain crooked. So treat women well and with kindness.” [Muslim, 1468]

Part of treating women well is to teach them what they need to know from the affairs of their religion – such as the ‘rulings for purity, menstruation, post-natal bleeding, prayer, Zakaat, and so on. If a husband cannot teach enough knowledge, he must provide her with the resources to learn elsewhere – at the very least to learn those matters of the religion that she must know. A husband can do that in many ways; for example, he can buy religious books or audiocassettes for her, or he can send her to religious study circles.

Another aspect of treating women well is to make sure they perform their obligatory religious duties — one of them being the wearing of modest clothing and the Hijaab. Allah (Swt) said: “And enjoin As-Salat (the prayer) on your family, and be patient in offering them [i.e., the Salat (prayers)]” (Qur’an 20:132)

And Allah (Swt) said: “0 you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones” (Qur’an 66:6)

After Maalik Ibn A1-Huwairith (R.A) and a delegation that came with him had stayed in Madeenah for twenty days, they decided to return to their homes. The Prophet (Pbuh) said to them, “Return to your families, stay with them, teach them, and order them [to perform their religious duties]…” [Muslim, 674]

When a women is negligent in performing her religious duties, when she doesn’t wear the proper Islamic Hijaab, when she refuses to go to her husband when he invites her to his bed, or when she disobeys him in a matter that requires her obedience —her husband must discipline her in such a way as to bring her back to uprightness.

There are stages of disciplining that are outlined in the Shariah, and a husband should not skip to an advanced stage until the one before it becomes impossible for him. Allah (Swt) said: As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great).” (Qur’an 4:34)

The first stage involves admonishing one’s wife. In this stage, one should remind his wife of her religious duties and of Allah’s punishment for disobeying Him. In the second stage, he should stay away from the bed they share. And in the third stage, he should hit her lightly – not to hurt her because he is only allowed to hit her lightly, but to show her the seriousness of the matter -but not with that intensity which one shows when he is giving vent to his anger and rage.

Question: If one has a wife that does not pray, should he order her to pray? And if she still refuses, what should he do?

Answer: Yes, not only may he order her to pray, he must order her to pray. Allah (Swt) said: “And enjoin As-Salat (the prayer) on your family, and be patient in offering them [i.e., the Salat (prayers)].” (Qur’an 20:132)

And Allah (Swt) said: “0 you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones.” (Qur’an 66:6)

And the Prophet (Pbuh) said, “Teach them and discipline them.”

When one orders his wife to pray, he should do so in an encouraging way, just as he encourages her to do something that he wants her to do for his personal benefit. Then, if a woman persists in refusing to pray, he should divorce her; and according to the correct view in the issue, it is compulsory upon him to divorce her. In general, scholars agree that a person who refuses to pray deserves to be punished until he begins to pray again; and if a person continually refuses to pray — after being punished and warned for a period of time — then he should be killed the death of an apostate. This is one of two scholarly views regarding the issue in question, and Shaikh Al-Islam is among those who hold it. And Allah (Swt) knows best.

4) Joking And Playing With One’s Wife

Some husbands think it unmanly for them to joke and play with their wives; others feel that, by playing with their wives, they will lose the respect they deserve in their homes. Yet the best, most manly, and most respected of husbands – the Prophet (Pbuh) would both joke and play with his wives. He (Pbuh) said, “Everything a man amuses himself with is false, except for what he shoots with his bow, for when he trains his horse, and for when he plays (and jokes) with his wife, for those are all rights (or for those are all from the truth).” [At-Tirmidhee, 1637]

Another example is how the Prophet (Pbuh) raced with ‘Aaisha (R.A). Speaking about what took place during a journey she made with the Prophet (Pbuh), ‘Aaisha (R.A) said, “I raced him and I beat him on my two feet. Then, when I carried [more] flesh, I raced him and he beat me. He (Pbuh) then said, “This one (defeat) for that defeat (i.e., we are now even).” [Ahmad, 23598]

And in yet another example of how the Prophet (Pbuh) would play and joke with his wives, he (Pbuh) once said to ‘Aaisha (R.A), “Verily, I know when you are pleased with me, and when you are angry with me.”

She (R.A) said, “How do you know that?” He (R.A) said, “When you are pleased with me, you say, ‘No, and by the Lord of Muhammad.’ And when you are angry with me, you say, ‘No, and by the Lord of Ibraaheem.”‘

She (R.A) said, “Yes, by Allah, 0 Messenger of Allah, I do not forsake other than your name.” [Muslim, 2439]

5) Being Patient With One’s Wife And Overlooking Her Faults

By her very nature, a woman is jealous, and her jealousy often leads her to doing things that are displeasing to her husband. To compound matters, women naturally have crooked – or better put, spiteful – tongues. Knowing these things about women, a husband should be patient with his wife and overlook her faults. We have hitherto related this saying of the Prophet (Pbuh)” “(Follow my command): “Treat women well and with kindness, for woman was created from [the] rib, and the most crooked part of a rib is its upper part. And if you were to go to straighten it, you would break it; and if you were to leave it, it would remain crooked. So treat women well and with kindness.” [Muslim, 1468]

This also literally means that women were created from [the] rib, for it refers to the creation of Hawwah (the wife of Adam (A.S)) and how she was created from the rib of Adam (A.S). “The most crooked part of a rib is its upper part,” means that the most crooked part of a woman is physically located at the upper part of her body: her tongue. In the Hadeeth, the Prophet (Pbuh) very vividly described the nature of women, informing men that, because women are difficult to discipline and make upright, a husband should be patient with his wife. “And if you were to go to straighten it,” means, if you were to persist in trying to make her upright in her manners, she would not become upright but would instead break, and her breaking means divorce. Muslim’s narration of the above-mentioned Hadeeth is worded thus: “Verily, woman is created from [the] rib; she will not become upright for you, regardless of the way [you follow in trying to make her upright]. If you take pleasure with her, you take pleasure with her, though she has some crookedness about her. But if you go to straighten her, you will break her; and breaking her means divorcing her.” [Muslim, 1468]

The following Hadeeth illustrates the Prophet’s patience in dealing with his wives. Anas (R.A) said, “The Prophet (Pbuh) was with one of his wives when one of the Mothers of the Believers (i.e., another of his wives) sent a large dish with food on it. The wife that was with the Prophet (Pbuh) in her home struck the hand of the servant (who brought the dish), and the dish fell and broke apart. The Prophet (Pbuh) gathered the broken pieces of the dish, after which he gathered the food that was in the dish and put it back onto its broken parts. And he (Pbuh) said, “Your mother (referring to the wife who broke the dish) became jealous.”

He (Pbuh) then kept the slave back until a dish was brought from the house of the wife he was with, and he gave that dish to the wife whose dish was broken; and he kept the broken dish in the house of the wife that broke it.” [Ahmad, 11616]

6) It Is From The Obligatory Duties Of A Husband To Have Sexual Relations (i.e., Intercourse) With His Wife

One of the rights a wife has over her husband is for him to have sexual relations with her as often as she needs. He should not leave her for long periods of time without having sex with her, for that very often leads women to sexual deviancy. When it comes to sex, some husbands are derelict in another sense as well; during sex, they do not care about whether their wives are enjoying the sex with them or not; this can have even graver consequences than not having sex with one’s wife for a long time.

Shaikh Al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah said, “A man must have sex with his wife according to what is normal, sufficient, and satisfying. In fact, it is from the greatest of rights that a woman has over her husband – greater even than him providing her with food. It has been said that a man must have sex with his wife at least once every four months. It has also been said that he must have sex with her according to her needs and his ability, just like he must feed her according to her needs and his ability. Of these two views, the latter is correct.”

Some Of The Etiquettes Of Sexual Intercourse

a) Before engaging in sexual intercourse, you should mention Allah’s Name. Ibn ‘Abbaas (R.A) and others related that the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) said, “When one of you wants to go to his wife (to engage in sexual intercourse) and says, ‘In the name of Allah, 0 Allah, keep the devil away from us and keep the devil away from what You have blessed us with,’ then, if a child is decreed between them, Shaitaan will never harm him (that child).” [Muslim, 1434] “Shaitaan will never harm him,” means Shaitaan will not be able to harm him in his body or his religion; this does not mean, however, that the child will be altogether protected from the Shaitaan’s whispers. [Al-Fath, 11/195]

Related Issue: You should say the above-mentioned supplica¬tion before and not during sexual intercourse. This ruling is taken from the Prophet’s saying, “When one of you wants to go to his wife.” This narration, which is related by Ibn ‘Abbaas (R.A) explains the meaning of other narrations which apparently indicate that you should say the invocation during sex; this is one of those narrations: “If, when one of you came to your family and said, ‘In the name of Allah, 0 Allah…”[B         ukhaaree, 141]

b) It is recommended to cover your private areas (the private areas of a man include, according to most scholars, all that is between the knee and the naval) when you engage in sexual intercourse. This recommended course of action is based on a Hadeeth related by Bahz Ibn Hakeem from his father, who related it from his father (R.A). Bahz’s grandfather (R.A) said, “I said, ‘0 Messenger of Allah, the private areas of our body -what of them may we come [forth] with and what of them should we leave?’ The Prophet (Pbuh) said, “Preserve the private areas of your body (i.e., don’t let anyone see them) except from your wife or what your right hand owns (i.e., any slaves you own).”

I said, ‘0 Messenger of Allah, if people are mixed together [all the time (i.e., if people are together all the time and it is difficult to keep some private body parts – such as one’s upper legs – hidden all the time)]?’ He (Pbuh) said, “If you are able to make sure that no one sees them (the private areas of your body), then make sure that no one sees them.”

I said, ‘0 Messenger of Allah, what about when one of us is alone (i.e., in that case, may we keep some of our private areas exposed)?’ He (Pbuh) said, “Allah is more deserving of [people being] shy of Him than people [are deserving of others being shy of them]. ” [Ahmad, 19530]

The final sentence of this Hadeeth suggests that it is better for two people who are engaging in sexual intercourse to cover themselves with a blanket or something similar. And Allah (Swt) knows best.

c) If you already had sex with your wife, and you want to go back to her a second time, though you have not yet taken a shower, then it is recommended for you to first perform Wudoo (ablution). Abu Sa’eed Al-Khudree (R.A) related that the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) said, “When one of you comes to his wife (for sex) and then wants to return (for a second time), then let him [first] perform ablution (Wudoo).” [Muslim, 308]

Related Issue: Some scholars have prohibited the practice known as Al’Azl, to ejaculate outside of a woman’s body, so that she does not become pregnant. Yet according to the schools of the four Imams, this practice is permissible if the woman gives her consent. And Allah (Swt) knows best.

7) The Prohibition Of Revealing The Details Of One’s Intimate, Conjugal Relations

It is deemed normal among some ignorant people for a man to divulge to his friends the secrets of his and his wife’s intimate bedroom relations. People who are afflicted with the disease of compounded ignorance – those who not only do wrong but think that they are doing right – say, “We are speaking not about illegal sex, but about lawful sex between a husband and his wife.” It should be said to them: True, to enjoy sexual relations with one’s wife is lawful in the Shariah, but to then speak about and describe those relations is forbidden in the Shariah. Furthermore, a person of sound mind and taste would feel disgusted at the notion of describing his sexual feats with his wife to any third party.

Abu Sa’eed Al-Khudree (R.A) related that the Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) said, “Verily, among the most evil of people with Allah (i.e., in Allah’s judgment) in ranking on the Day of Resurrection is a man who goes to his wife (i.e., has sexual relations with his wife), and whose wife goes to him, and then he spreads her secret (i.e., spreads the details of their relations).” [Muslim, 1437]

Explaining this Hadeeth, An-Nawawee said, “Based on this Hadeeth, it is forbidden for a man to spread the details of his sexual relations with his wife, regardless of whether he relates what she said, did, or anything else. But to simply mention that he had sexual intercourse with her, without going into details, has a slightly different ruling. If there is no benefit or need in a man mentioning that he had sex with his wife, then it is Makrooh (disliked) for him to mention it, and mentioning it is contrary to the concepts of modesty, decency, and true manhood. The Prophet (Pbuh) said, ‘Whosoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, then let him speak well or otherwise remain silent.’

But if there is a need or benefit – for example, in court, he answers the accusation of his wife that he is not able to have sex -then there is nothing disliked about him mentioning it. For example, when he explained a religious ruling, the Prophet (Pbuh) said, “Verily, that is what I as well as her (referring to his (Pbuh) wife (R.A)) do.’

In another instance, the Prophet (Pbuh) asked Abu Talhah (R.A), ‘Did you ‘Arastum (in Arabic, a softened way of saying, ‘did you engage in sexual intercourse?’) last night?’

And he (Pbuh) said to Jaabir (R.A), “Al-Kais Al-Kais (an expression, in which one encourages another to have sexual relations with his wife in order to have a child).”

And Allah (Swt) knows best.

Related Issue: Just as it is prohibited for a man to discuss his intimate, conjugal relations with a third party, so too is it prohibited for a woman to discuss her intimate, conjugal relations with a third party. Even though the Prophet (Pbuh) was addressing men in the above-mentioned Hadeeth, the implications of what he (Pbuh) said apply to both men and women.

8) A Man Must Do Justice Between His Wives

The Prophet (Pbuh) ordered men to do justice between their wives: “Whoever has two women (Iwo wives) and inclines to one of them, he will come on the Day of Resurrection, and one of his sides will be slanting.”

Ahmad related the Hadeeth thus: “…and one of his sides will be falling.” [Abu Daawood, 2133] But in the following verse, Allah (Swt) made it clear that a man is not capable of doing perfect justice between his wives: “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them (by giving her more of your time and provision) so as to leave the other hanging (i.e., neither divorced nor married)…” (Qur’an 4:129)

How can we find harmony between the Hadeeth and verse when they appear to be in contradiction with one another? In reality, there is no contradiction between them. From the verse, we learn that a man cannot do perfect justice; he does not have the ability to love his wives equally, for that is a matter of the heart, which a person has no control over. The same goes for sexual intercourse and the desire to have sexual intercourse: a man does not have to be equal in these regards. What he does have to be fair about is how he outwardly treats them and in how he distributes things to them, which we will clarify shortly. And even if a husband does not engage in sexual intercourse an equal amount of times among his wives, he at least has to make sure that each of his wives gets enough to satisfy her needs.

From the Hadeeth, we learn that a husband has to be fair in distribution – in how many nights he spends with each wife, in spending, and providing with clothes, and anything similar in which justice can be done. It becomes clear, then, that there really is no contradiction between the verse and the Hadeeth.

 A husband must fear Allah (Swt) and do justice between his wives. If he wrongs one of them or acts unfairly, he is sinning and will be deserving of punishment. But if he is just between his wives, he will be rewarded well. The Messenger of Allah (Pbuh) said, “Verily, the just ones will be with Allah upon platforms of light, to the right of the Most-Merciful ‘Azza Wa-Iall (to Whom belongs might and majesty) – and both of His hands are [His] right; they are those who are just in their judgment, with their families (wives), and in matters they are entrusted with.” [Muslim, 1827]